SAL-VA-TION: by grace

E-LEV-EN: children from 1984 to 2006

HOME-SCHOOL-ING: since 1990

DOWN-SYN-DROME: susie and gabe

GRAND-CHILD-REN: since 2010

FAITH-FUL-NESS: my steadfast rock, my biggest supporter, my leader, my friend, my love, my husband

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Heart on Trial

I know this post says "August 20" but in my mind it's still August 19. Exactly one year after I posted The Final Straw. I was just thinking about that a few days ago when someone me asked how I could be so calm with Ellen's wedding just days away. I thought then, "God prepared me a year ago so I could take things in stride now." Little did I know what I was really in for.

I took Gabe in to the pediatrician this afternoon (19th) to have his incision site looked at. It just hasn't closed at the top and it's been a little red, but nothing to be concerned about. Until yesterday afternoon. It looked redder and the red was bigger. I emailed my Downs Heart friends who've been through this and asked for experiences and advice. I listened.

This morning the site was just as red if not a little more so and the area was warm. I made an appointment.

The doctor was not comfortable evaluating it and called in a surgeon. The surgeon was not comfortable dealing with it and called the cardiac surgeon and primary cardiologist.

It was determined that Gabe needed to head to the cardiologist. Tests were run and an antibiotic injection given and I packed up, prepared to spend the night, and drove with Gabe to Marshfield.

We got there at 8pm. The cardiologist looked, poked, pressed, measured, asked questions and ran it all by the cardiac surgeon again. They decided that Gabe should go back into surgery to have the area explored to determine the source/depth of the infection. I was told we have an 80% possibility of at least a 7-10 day hospital stay. It could be as long as 6 weeks.

So, at 10:15pm we were on our way to meet Keith so that he and I could switch places. He would take Gabe to Milwaukee while I headed home to continue with the wedding plans.

I drove out of that hospital fighting back tears and losing. I tried telling myself that crying wouldn't help and it is what it is, but that didn't help. I tried telling myself that God has all things in His hands and, while I couldn't see the whole picture, it would all work out in His glorious sovereign will. I still cried. I tried to think of benefits to this happening now. I even came up with one. My tears dried up and I even chuckled a little as I thought how very easy the final wedding preparations would be without Gabe there to get into everything. And then I immediately burst into tears. I took a deep breath and called my sister and cried with her.

It was then that I saw flashing lights in my mirror. I could only think, "What's there to pull me over for? I'm only going 20 and there's no traffic anywhere around me."

I quickly hung up, pulled over, and started to sob. Mr. Officer-Who-Just-Finished-Officer-School didn't know what to do. He was completely unprepared for me. He tried to be consoling, "Everything's going to be OK ma'am. Really. You're just missing a tail light."

I tried to compose myself and stammered, "It's...not...that.'s sick and I'm...taking him to....Milwaukee where he has to be in for 1 to 6 weeks and my....daughter's getting....married on Saturday. This just...put me over...the....edge."

He still did his officerly duty and took my license and gave me a warning.

I made it through my trials a year ago. And this will be OK, too. I think I'm out of tears (OK, probably not quite) and can begin to get practical enough to prepare myself for the scenarios and logistics of getting both Keith and myself to the wedding. I'm not making plans for "and beyond" until there is a clearer diagnosis.

Would you please make time to pray for Gabe? When I think of my sweet boy I cry again. I feel so guilty for not taking him in sooner. The cardiologist tried to convince me that it may not have mattered. The area isn't tender, there's no fever, he seem so fine, but I should have worried over that open spot.

I would appreciate you filling in words of prayer for me, I am only able to offer cries and groanings. I especially want to be able to put Gabe in God's hands so I can give my precious daughter my full attention on her day.

My heart is full of emotions that seem not to belong in the same place together.

UPDATE: 6 am Thursday, August 20. I called the hospital to talk to the floor nurse and get an update. Gabe came in sometime after 2:30. He'd received an IV in the ER and was groggy and sleepy when he got to his room. However, seeing the new surroundings he "perked right up and is busy exploring and pulling everything off that he can". He sounds so good! I think Daddy will have a hard day. She said he was on the couch resting while Gabe was in his enclosed crib/bed with a TV. This picture, taken 5 weeks ago, probably gives us all a good idea of what Gabe is up to early this fine morning.


Keelie said...

I am crying with you and I'm not even going to try to stop. I'm not sure I can find the words either, but I'll try and I'll pray! Love you! Wish I could be there and help out in some way!!!

Carla said...

I am praying for you sweet Cindy. I love you and your beautiful family. I heart Gabers so much.

Emily said...

This made me cry! I am praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Oh Cindy...
you and your family are in our prayers.
Becky J

Marcia Wilwerding said...

Praying earnestly.

Marcia Wilwerding

The Finneys said...

Cindy, this news is heartbreaking. Know that our prayers are with you and your family and especially Gabe and Ellen.

Please let us know if there is anything at all we can do for you.

Sue Finney

Julie Pizzino said...

Dear White family, I've had your sweet Gabe on a prayer card for months now, but we're stepping up our prayers for all of you. Nothing shall separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus! Sending love from all of us,
Julie Pizzino

Mrs. Nichole J. said...

Praying for you all and little gabe!

jeremiesgirl said...

Aunt Cindy . . . I have never really even gotten on your blog. But for some reason, I did today! My eyes filled with tears as I read it, and I just wanted to hug you! I am praying for Gabe! I love you! And I'm with Keelie . . . I wish there was some way I could be there to help!

Becca said...

Wow, Cindy, I'm so sorry this turned out this way. I'll be thinking of your little guy!

(btw, I found your blog from the Downs-Heart list--I had sent you an e-mail the other day about the incision site and my daughter's experience with hers)

Shannon said...

I'm the mom in Antigo who emailed you a while ago, my little Dylan is almost 2. A friend of mine from high school manages the DSAW office in Milwaukee, and she has offered to help out on Saturday at the hospital if you guys need it. She's wonderful and has a way with special little ones like ours, and would love to help you guys any way she can. If you want her info, email me or call at 715-216-2780. Praying for you all....glad to hear Gabe's CT was clear!

MySchweeties said...

Cindy... I'm crying right along with you!! Thank you for including us in your e-mail!

We are praying!! :o)
Pamela :o)